There's a skunk in my bed, dear Liza.

This morning I decided to change the subtitle to my  blog to "you couldn't make this stuff up if you tried". Parenting is a writer's playground- there is a fantastic story at every turn. Last night, I came home late from teaching an essential oils class and Bobby was already in asleep in bed. I stumbled through the dark to quickly brush my teeth and head to bed. I quietly laid my phone on the nightstand and crawled into bed and as I laid my head on the pillow, I felt something hard and round. I felt around and discovered it was INSIDE my pillowcase. I reached in (not a good idea! This is how you end up sitting on toads on the toilet! see earlier post.) I felt something furry. This is what I pulled out.

It am honestly not surprised by anything at this point. It is perfectly normal to find a lego tower in my underwear drawer or mashed banana in my shoe. In fact, I am pretty sure I could have pulled out a family of opossums, gently put them on their floor to go on their way and rolled over and went to sleep.

It's likely that the ball and chain ferret mongoose was hiding in its castle from the tickle monster and as I rolled over and went to sleep, I couldn't help but smile knowing that my entire house is full of random signs of imagination, childhood happiness and striped rodents.

Crazy Love

Parenting is a whole new level of critical thinking that blows any high level college course out of the water. The toddler wants the orange cup so you wash it and serve the juice only to be met with a demand for the blue cup and then once you accommodate, it’s back to the orange. Since this is all happening before your first cup of coffee in the morning, you jump through the ridiculous hoops until you finally put your foot down but the mind games never end. It’s a tough balance between letting them have their own ideas and thoughts and not allowing them to manipulate and control your every move.

Today, Charlotte wanted to remove one shoe and hop like a 1 legged bunny out of the restaurant. Who could ever guess what is going on in a little toddler’s brian? Out of pure survival, we attempt to guess and even think like a toddler and that my friends is what crazy is made of. This type of mental taxation is what makes me forget my doctor’s appointments and loose every pair of sunglasses I ever own. You’ve seen these mothers. You can spot them from a mile away. They sway back and forth as if they are rocking a child, when there are no children around. They still excuse themselves to go “potty” and they carry around snacks and extra clothing in their purses, even when their kids are teenagers.

A week or so ago, Eli was giving me a particularly hard time about going down for a nap. He did not want to get into his bed. He was really trying everything to get me to stay in and play his games. Not happening. I was too pooped. I simply said “Mommy is closing the door. Do not come out of your room. Take a rest.” 10 minutes later it was quiet and I went up to check on him and this is what I found.

I could have rocked him, laid with him, read 500 stories and probably not gotten him to sleep, but go figure, he could fall asleep perched on top of a laundry basket. I give up trying to understand toddlers. All I can do is love them to pieces. And somehow, once they are asleep (especially on top of a laundry basket), it’s easy to fall back in love.

8 Lessons You Need to Learn Before You Potty Train Your Toddler

Lesson 1

Carry around a child’s potty with you wherever you go. Going to the kitchen to get something? bring the potty. Going to your room to put away clothes? bring the potty. Do this for at least 2 weeks.

Lesson 2

You need to be ready for emergencies that occur nearly everytime you decide to risk going into public.

Practice by doing drills. Set your phone alarm to go off exactly 2 minutes after you enter a store- just long enough for you to get to the back- as far from the bathroom as possible.

When the timer goes off, pick up a 30 pound bag of salt and run like your hair is on fire to the front of the store. If you plan on having more than one child, then grab a pet ostrich by the collar and drag tem along as they stop along the way to look at toys. Don’t forget to bring your purse!

Lesson 3

Stock your pantry with an endless supply of chocolate chips and make sure to have plenty of stickers on hand. Every time you or your spouse poops or pees, make an announcement, ring a bell, eat a chocolate chip and put a sticker on a chart. Do this for a solid year.

Lesson 4

There is something about peeing on the potty that says, “even though I have the coordination of a baby pot belly pig, I can surely dress myself.”

Have someone blindfold you and tie your hands behind your back.Then pick out your clothes and get dressed. If someone tries to help you, throw yourself on the floor and scream. This is what it will be like dressing your toddler from now on.

Lesson 5

Carry 3 pairs of extra clothes with you wherever you go. If you ever forget, have your Aunt Sally call and scold you for your lack of parental responsibility. Then have a school teacher send you a letter of shame to your house.

Lesson 6

This newfound skill will breed a slight obsession about poop and pee. Prepare the grandmothers because they will be concerned that your children are twisted and that the potty talk will surely lead to pre-teen cursing. The best tactic is to just join in the fun. Hey kids, want to watch Doc McPoopins? Want a poop sandwich? Let’s sing the Itsy Bitsy ladybug pooped inside its pants.

Lesson 7

Go to Sams club and purchase ten 3 packs of hand soap and ten 12 packs of toilet paper. This will last you about a month. It takes about a half of a roll of toilet paper and 14 pumps of soap to get the job done each time a toddler uses the potty. Adjust your budget accordingly.

Lesson 8
Put a chicken in the bathtub and every time it poops, drain the bath, get out the bleach and start over. This could take while.

If you finish successfully, congratulations you are ready to potty train your toddler! But wait, after about 6 months, your toddler will digress and you will need to start back at the beginning and complete the exercise again. Caffeine and prayers help tremendously :)

11 Lessons to Learn Before you Have a Child

So, I did not write this, the author is unknown, but if you have not read this, it is a must read! Especially for moms of babies or soon to be moms. I first read this in the middle of the night while nursing Eli and nearly peed my pants trying to not wake him up with belly laughter. I made it through the nursing session and got him back down only to sit in bed at 2am and re-read it while laughing so hard I woke up Bobby. Tell me this is funny and it's not just my sick sense of humor.



Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Preschool is the new Highschool

There is a certain 3 year old at Charlotte's preschool that is snooty and acts like a true "mean girl". I know this sounds ridiculous- she is 3 years old! But, hear  me out. She wears a sparkly tutu every day, has the coolest clothes (do they even sell 3T at Justice?!) and is VERY selective with who she associates with, turning up her nose when Charlotte comes around acting as if she has cooties.

Every day, when I pick up Charlotte from school, I ask her how her day was and who she played with etc. Many days, she would say things like "Piper* wasn't nice today. She doesn't want to play with me."

On one particular day, I got in the carpool line and watched as she trotted out with her oversized minnie mouse backpack on holding her teacher's hand. I kissed her cheek and loaded her up. As I put the car in drive and started home, she plainly says "Piper* doesn't have Jesus in her heart!"

I said "Oh really? How do you know?" She said, "she isn't kind and she doesn't share. And I just know."

I couldn't help but laugh. Kids are so honest.

I also can't believe that this sort of competition and excluding others starts at 3 years old!

The amount of pain I feel when I see my most precious child feel any sort of rejection is incomprehensible. I am going to spending a lot of time in prayer as they grow up as to not run over any little girls in tutus with my SUV.

In all seriousness, we must be in constant prayer contending for our children's identity in Christ. I speak life and security over my children. One of my favorite scripture passages is Psalm 139. We are in the process of memorizing the entire passage together. Of all the things we could teach them, I want my children to know without a shadow of a doubt that they are fearfully and wonderfully made, despite what other little well-dressed 3 years olds say.



*Piper's name has been changed to protect her life

5 Things NOT to say to your stay-at-home wife when you come home from work

My husband usually works from home, but on days he has meetings all day, he will come back home looking sharp and put together and sometimes he walks into chaos with me still in my gym clothes. I try to keep things peaceful for his arrival, but it just doesn't always happen. Thankfully, he almost always meets me with grace and offers to lend a hand. Although he hasn't said many of the things below, this is just a good guide for men and what not to say to their stay at home moms. We can be kind of edgy sometimes so you'll want to commit this list to memory:

1. "So, what did you do all day?" We all know what I did all day. I did the dishes with a spider monkey on my leg, 3 loads of laundry, wiped 2 poopy tails, did the bills and called the doctor while breaking up toddler fights and making a grilled cheese. And everyone is still alive! The real questions is what did YOU do all day?

2. "My mother is stopping by for dinner tonight." Great! The house looks like a gorilla tore it apart and I was reheating leftovers for dinner and now I have 30 minutes to shove everything in a closet and whip up a gourmet meal.

3. "Holy Hippo!" This was actually said by Bobby once. He claims he meant something like "wow! you look great!" (sort of like Holy cow! you look great) but somehow Holy Hippo shut down the mood.

4. "Wanna do it?"Can you not see that I have a toddler on my hip, sweat on my brow from steaming broccoli and another child perched on the toilet screaming "wipe my booty pwease!"? I need you to help, I need you to hold me, I do not need you to hump me. You are hot. I love you to pieces, but please help meet my other needs first.

5. "I think we should hire a housekeeper." To me this says "you aren't doing a good job". I would love to have a housekeeper and we probably do need one, but just don't say it. I know that there is a black banana peel on the couch and 3 inches of shower scum in our shower, but just don't say it. Manipulate her into thinking it was her idea and then come to her rescue. Everyone will be happy and the house will be clean.

Is Jesus Happy?

This story happened about 6 months ago and you may have read my Facebook post about it back then, but it is stories like this that inspired this blog so I am going to expound.

Since my kids were old enough to talk, I have been telling them to "choose to be happy" when they were fussing. Of all of the things I can teach my littles, I want to instill in them that can choose how to act, respond and even feel despite other people's actions or our situation. So much pain and anguish in my life could have been avoided if I really understood how to control my emotions.

When one child starts pouting, I look at them eye to eye and talk them through it. First validating why they feel the way they feel and then asking them what they should do. Sometimes I even sing a little made up song "We get to choose peace, we get to choose joy. No matter what happens we can choose, choose, choose." It sounds totally made up but the kids jam to it like it's Michael Jackson's Beat It. If they refuse to choose to be happy, they are sent to their room until they can choose peace and joy.

Well, back to the story. We were waiting for the puppy shop to open so we could torture ourselves with little furry temptations. While we were waiting, I noticed a Catholic bookstore a few doors down. We went down there to burn the time thinking it would be somewhat similar to Lifeway. Upon entering, I was immediately nervous bc there were so many breakable statues and trinkets on glass shelves. The large statues on floor were as tall as the kids and as serious as a the Bachelorette rose ceremony.

Eli stared at the statues of Mary and Jesus and backed up a little, then I watched as he regained his courage and before I could say anything, he began to scold the statues "you need to choose to be happy!"

I looked around to see the stone cold cashier and turned back to the kids as Charlotte chimed in "yeah, choose peace, choose joy…."

I scurried those kids out of there before I upset all of the Catholic shoppers and when I got outside, couldn't help but laugh!

We always teach them that Jesus is happy! That is why we can choose joy! They didn't recognize a Jesus that wasn't approachable and happy. I pray I can have that kind of faith someday.

Irrational (yet totally reasonable) Reasons to Pregnant

As many of you know, we struggled with infertility for 4 years before getting preggo with our first, Charlotte (almost 4 yrs old). Then without even trying, we got pregnant naturally when she was only 6 months old. We are beyond thrilled with our little family, but we do often think of having a third. It changes from day to day, which can be really scary. One moment, I am blissfully watching my little angels sleep while daydreaming of a third little baby sleeping in the crib next door and the very next morning they are fussing at each other and licking week old syrup off the floor and I feel my womb closing inside of me. My husband can't keep up with me! One minute I am taking ovulation tests like a mad woman, the next day I won't let him touch me without protection. Pretty sure when he comes home from work and I look like I got run over by a Mack truck, he gathers that I am not up for procreating that evening.

It's a good thing God creates life and it is in His hands because some of the reasons I have wished I were pregnant are so ridiculous but I think you may be able to relate:

1. I've gained a few pounds- if I found out I was pregnant today, it would be because of that and not because I have been eating like a hog!

2. I just peed a little when I laughed- if only I had a good excuse!

3. I just saw a cute nursery idea on Pinterest!

4. I really want to order the cheese fries- man, I wish I was pregnant!

5. My friend is pregnant and I want to complain together. It would be such a bonding experience!

6. I'd really love 3 days to myself in a bed and going to the hospital is the only way it is going to happen!

7. We always have just enough leftover mac n cheese to fit in a baby sized bowl!

8. My friend is getting rid of some really trendy maternity clothes!

9. I am really sick of my period!

10. I picked out a really cute baby name and I want to use it before my sister does!

Sadly, these have all contributed to wanting to get pregnant on one day or another. Blame it on hormones or the crazy ups and downs of motherhood. Bottom line is, we would be overjoyed to have another and even on the toughest of days, once all 3 angels were sound asleep in their beds, I would miss them and be excited for the morning to kiss their sweet faces :)

The Faith of A Child

So today was the last day at Vacation Bible School as a crew leader. My job was basically shuffling 5 preschool age children from station to station, similar to attempting to teach 5 orangutans to walk in a straight line. By day #4, I gave up on the concept of a line and just transported the primates on my shoulders, on my legs and let them run wild. I just counted heads when we got to the next station and hoped for the best. Hey, it's a volunteer position!

Anyhow, yesterday at the end of the day, during our wrap up assembly, I was in my usual position- sitting on the floor with 2 children in my lap and one perching on my head, when the director began to talk about the grace of God. The point for the day was "even if you do something wrong, Jesus loves you!" So, each team was given a trash bag and we had to pretend to throw our mistakes in it and then we all put the bag on a large wooden cross at the front of the room. As I sat there on the floor with the kids, a worship song came on and a man in white dressed as Jesus began to walk from the back of the room down the aisle toward the cross. As he passed, he lovingly patted children's heads, hugged them and then reached down and touched my hand. Something about sitting on the floor with children all around seemed so much like how I picture Jesus. The gymnasium was loud and irreverent and kids were chaotic and sweaty, but it didn't matter. Jesus was just there to love and serve. He proceeded to the front and began removing the trash bags from the cross as my eyes filled with tears. Suddenly all of the noise was no longer a distraction. I was completely lost in the moment.

Charlotte shook my shoulders to get my attention and broke my stare with "MOM!" I turned to her and she said "It's Jesus! Can I hug him? Please?". "Of course!" I said and she ran to the front and jumped into his arms. It was as if she had been waiting her whole life, hearing story after story about him and he was finally here!

After the song was over and Jesus quietly made his way out of the room, Charlotte asked "Momma, where did Jesus go?"
She fully believes that she saw Jesus yesterday and I don't have the heart to tell her otherwise. Mostly because I believe I did too.

Toys are a LIE

Before I had children, I pictured them playing for hours with their little people castle or playing "house" quietly while I tidied up the entire house. What I didn't understand is that kids hardly ever play with toys and that a large part of my job in life would become entertaining little people with the attention span of a gnat. So, as in many areas, all things that seemed ridiculous before have kids, have now become totally rational.

I am volunteering this week at Vacation Bible School and I am the crew leader for a group of preschool age kids including my 2 kids (age 3.5 and 2.5years). Charlotte, my 3 year old is doing great, however it is a little over my 2 year old's head and so after exhausting all of the tricks in my bag- lacing cards, hot wheel car, snacks- I let him lick my arms and legs for a good 20 minutes. I got a full cat bath as others all around us sang praises to Jesus and it was totally worth it.

Here are some other things I may or may not have let my kids do in exchange for a minute or two or peace and quiet. Keep in mind I was fully aware all of the things below were taking place and said to myself "yes, that is a great idea, continue on dear one!":

1. Unroll an entire roll or two of toilet paper. If you haven't done this yet, it's totally worth it and a great place to start.

2. Give themselves a yogurt facial and hair massage with their leftover yogurt cup. Solid 10 minutes of entertainment.

3. Stick unused pantyliners all over their body. I got them for free couponing so who cares. I got to do the dishes.

4. Eat grass. Do you know how much I could get done if they ate the entire yard, blade by blade?

5. Eat toothpaste. Not sure what the fascination is with toothpaste and toothbrushes, but if you are having a hard day, just whip these out and let them go to town.

6. Play "hide from the monster" under covers. This one is just a good trick. Tell them you, the monster, is coming and growl and snort as they run for cover. Then clean the house and every 5 minutes or so, just walk by the room they are in (hiding under the covers) and snort as you go on your way. That will buy you another 5 minutes until the next snort.


These are just a few of the many examples and I know I can't be alone in this. What crazy things do you let your kids do to keep them occupied?

If you have not tried any of the above, maybe you could stand to loosen up. Heck, why not just make it a goal to complete the list before the end of the summer. Keep in mind that if your child tries to repeat any of these actions in the presence of a friend or family member without children, you may need to act surprised by his behavior as to not seem like a careless parent.

Roll Call

It's not a complete day in our house without having what I call "anatomy roll call". Something as small as an itch while watching Mickey Mouse or a joint bathtub can trigger it. After pulling and stretching on his pickle, Eli will announce:

Eli: I have a pickle. Daddy has a pickle.

Charlotte: Yeah and I have a peachy just like mommy.

Eli: I have wittle boobies. Daddy has wittle boobies.

Charlotte: Mommy
has BIG boobies.

This literally happens every. single. day.

Thanks to my 5th grade personality when it comes to body parts, I giggle every single time. Not sure when this phase ends. I sure hope my teenagers don't wake up and announce their new findings and then all chime in to go down the list. I have a hunch it might not be as cute. But for now, it's all peachy :) lol

You Must Never Wear Shoes While Peeing and other Shoe Rules of Toddlers

For those of you who are new parents or soon to be parents, this is a courtesy guide for you to help you navigate the unspoken shoe policies soon to be enforced in your home once your child reaches a toddler stage. If you hear a piercing scream or your child begins to bang their head on the nearest hard object, you may have violated one of the following and need to review this comprehensive list:

1. If a shoe is in the room, someone must wear it immediately. Even if you are cooking breakfast in your pajamas, if your stillettos from last night are in sight, your toddler will make sure you are wearing them before you have time to put the spatula down.

2. Boots go with anything in any season.  Not even worth the fight- just let them wear their winter wearer boots with their bathing suit.

3. If you purchase brand new shoes for a toddler, that triggers growth hormone in them and they will soon grow 2 sizes making those $25 shoes worthless.

4. In the event that growth hormone is NOT triggered, said toddler will make sure to lose just one of the shoes the first time you leave the house- making sure that you can stare at the brand new lonely shoe in their closet for months until you finally give up and toss it.

5. If there is a speck of sand in their shoe, they will feel it. It's like a princess and the pea thing.

6. Some shoes look better when you are naked. "Do these make my butt look good?"

7. You must never wear shoes while peeing. It is necessary to strip completely down including shoes to emit a half ounce of urine. And this must be done at least 10 times per day.


Anybody have any other shoe rules going on in your home?

Sitting on my Toadstool

So, last night I got up to use the bathroom. In usual courtesy, I didn't turn the light on as not to wake the sleeping prince in my bedroom. I stumble in delerium over to the throne and as i sit down, I immediately jump up and scream! I felt something slimy on my rear and to my disgust I flipped on the light to see the most hideous looking white frog sitting on the rim. I then performed the necessary "I just sat my bare buns on a frog" tribal dance as Bobby rushed to my rescue. The look on his face said "this had better be serious". And IT WAS thank you very much.

He then captured the intruder and put him out on the front porch. I went back to bed with my heart racing and disgusted. How do these shenanigans always happen to me? Then I realized I never went pee, so I cautiously retreated back to the toilet. As I sat there, I remembered this blog! How fantastic. On the first day I started a blog, this perfect story happened. I have never sat on a frog with my bare buns before and just 2 days ago, it would have all been for naught, but not now thanks to my shiny new blog, baby, I'm in business. If I were a true blogger, I would have snapped a pic before even pulling up my pants, but until then, stock photography exists.

Moral of the story, always always look before you squat. And, always scream loud enough to wake up your husband so he will have compassion on you and remove the disgusting toad.

Nonense Nannygoat

So, I feel compelled to start a blog about my life, motherhood, adventures in poop, the hippie antics of healthy living and mostly nonsense. Not sure why anyone would want to read about my nonsense, but I often find myself rushing to get the kids down for a nap, bringing my reheated stale coffee and 2 loads of laundry over to the couch to take a rest and really wanting to know that I am some shade of normal. That someone else goes through the chaos that I endure on a daily basis. And somehow reading other peoples motherhood nonsense helps me escape my own.

So, that is what I can promise from this blog. Normal nonsense. Possibly more nonsense than climbing a mountain and riding a nanny goat back down. After all, the days of a mother include breaking up fights about who touched the chair first, asking your child not to pick their brother's nose, explaining why you allow them to say booty but not butt, and singing a poopy song to your constipated daughter to help her go. It's all complete and utter nonsense that I call the most wonderful job on the earth. Even though it feels like I am being pecked to death by chickens.

Some days I may offer inspiration, tips and encouragement and other days I may simply vent and fuss. But (not butt! someone please explain this to my 3 year old!) I know even on the worst of days, I have other friends and moms that have been pecked to death and have ridden nonsense nannygoat and will go to bed, get up and choose to do it all over again.