5 Things NOT to say to your stay-at-home wife when you come home from work

My husband usually works from home, but on days he has meetings all day, he will come back home looking sharp and put together and sometimes he walks into chaos with me still in my gym clothes. I try to keep things peaceful for his arrival, but it just doesn't always happen. Thankfully, he almost always meets me with grace and offers to lend a hand. Although he hasn't said many of the things below, this is just a good guide for men and what not to say to their stay at home moms. We can be kind of edgy sometimes so you'll want to commit this list to memory:

1. "So, what did you do all day?" We all know what I did all day. I did the dishes with a spider monkey on my leg, 3 loads of laundry, wiped 2 poopy tails, did the bills and called the doctor while breaking up toddler fights and making a grilled cheese. And everyone is still alive! The real questions is what did YOU do all day?

2. "My mother is stopping by for dinner tonight." Great! The house looks like a gorilla tore it apart and I was reheating leftovers for dinner and now I have 30 minutes to shove everything in a closet and whip up a gourmet meal.

3. "Holy Hippo!" This was actually said by Bobby once. He claims he meant something like "wow! you look great!" (sort of like Holy cow! you look great) but somehow Holy Hippo shut down the mood.

4. "Wanna do it?"Can you not see that I have a toddler on my hip, sweat on my brow from steaming broccoli and another child perched on the toilet screaming "wipe my booty pwease!"? I need you to help, I need you to hold me, I do not need you to hump me. You are hot. I love you to pieces, but please help meet my other needs first.

5. "I think we should hire a housekeeper." To me this says "you aren't doing a good job". I would love to have a housekeeper and we probably do need one, but just don't say it. I know that there is a black banana peel on the couch and 3 inches of shower scum in our shower, but just don't say it. Manipulate her into thinking it was her idea and then come to her rescue. Everyone will be happy and the house will be clean.