8 Lessons You Need to Learn Before You Potty Train Your Toddler

Lesson 1

Carry around a child’s potty with you wherever you go. Going to the kitchen to get something? bring the potty. Going to your room to put away clothes? bring the potty. Do this for at least 2 weeks.

Lesson 2

You need to be ready for emergencies that occur nearly everytime you decide to risk going into public.

Practice by doing drills. Set your phone alarm to go off exactly 2 minutes after you enter a store- just long enough for you to get to the back- as far from the bathroom as possible.

When the timer goes off, pick up a 30 pound bag of salt and run like your hair is on fire to the front of the store. If you plan on having more than one child, then grab a pet ostrich by the collar and drag tem along as they stop along the way to look at toys. Don’t forget to bring your purse!

Lesson 3

Stock your pantry with an endless supply of chocolate chips and make sure to have plenty of stickers on hand. Every time you or your spouse poops or pees, make an announcement, ring a bell, eat a chocolate chip and put a sticker on a chart. Do this for a solid year.

Lesson 4

There is something about peeing on the potty that says, “even though I have the coordination of a baby pot belly pig, I can surely dress myself.”

Have someone blindfold you and tie your hands behind your back.Then pick out your clothes and get dressed. If someone tries to help you, throw yourself on the floor and scream. This is what it will be like dressing your toddler from now on.

Lesson 5

Carry 3 pairs of extra clothes with you wherever you go. If you ever forget, have your Aunt Sally call and scold you for your lack of parental responsibility. Then have a school teacher send you a letter of shame to your house.

Lesson 6

This newfound skill will breed a slight obsession about poop and pee. Prepare the grandmothers because they will be concerned that your children are twisted and that the potty talk will surely lead to pre-teen cursing. The best tactic is to just join in the fun. Hey kids, want to watch Doc McPoopins? Want a poop sandwich? Let’s sing the Itsy Bitsy ladybug pooped inside its pants.

Lesson 7

Go to Sams club and purchase ten 3 packs of hand soap and ten 12 packs of toilet paper. This will last you about a month. It takes about a half of a roll of toilet paper and 14 pumps of soap to get the job done each time a toddler uses the potty. Adjust your budget accordingly.

Lesson 8
Put a chicken in the bathtub and every time it poops, drain the bath, get out the bleach and start over. This could take while.

If you finish successfully, congratulations you are ready to potty train your toddler! But wait, after about 6 months, your toddler will digress and you will need to start back at the beginning and complete the exercise again. Caffeine and prayers help tremendously :)