There's a skunk in my bed, dear Liza.

This morning I decided to change the subtitle to my  blog to "you couldn't make this stuff up if you tried". Parenting is a writer's playground- there is a fantastic story at every turn. Last night, I came home late from teaching an essential oils class and Bobby was already in asleep in bed. I stumbled through the dark to quickly brush my teeth and head to bed. I quietly laid my phone on the nightstand and crawled into bed and as I laid my head on the pillow, I felt something hard and round. I felt around and discovered it was INSIDE my pillowcase. I reached in (not a good idea! This is how you end up sitting on toads on the toilet! see earlier post.) I felt something furry. This is what I pulled out.

It am honestly not surprised by anything at this point. It is perfectly normal to find a lego tower in my underwear drawer or mashed banana in my shoe. In fact, I am pretty sure I could have pulled out a family of opossums, gently put them on their floor to go on their way and rolled over and went to sleep.

It's likely that the ball and chain ferret mongoose was hiding in its castle from the tickle monster and as I rolled over and went to sleep, I couldn't help but smile knowing that my entire house is full of random signs of imagination, childhood happiness and striped rodents.

Crazy Love

Parenting is a whole new level of critical thinking that blows any high level college course out of the water. The toddler wants the orange cup so you wash it and serve the juice only to be met with a demand for the blue cup and then once you accommodate, it’s back to the orange. Since this is all happening before your first cup of coffee in the morning, you jump through the ridiculous hoops until you finally put your foot down but the mind games never end. It’s a tough balance between letting them have their own ideas and thoughts and not allowing them to manipulate and control your every move.

Today, Charlotte wanted to remove one shoe and hop like a 1 legged bunny out of the restaurant. Who could ever guess what is going on in a little toddler’s brian? Out of pure survival, we attempt to guess and even think like a toddler and that my friends is what crazy is made of. This type of mental taxation is what makes me forget my doctor’s appointments and loose every pair of sunglasses I ever own. You’ve seen these mothers. You can spot them from a mile away. They sway back and forth as if they are rocking a child, when there are no children around. They still excuse themselves to go “potty” and they carry around snacks and extra clothing in their purses, even when their kids are teenagers.

A week or so ago, Eli was giving me a particularly hard time about going down for a nap. He did not want to get into his bed. He was really trying everything to get me to stay in and play his games. Not happening. I was too pooped. I simply said “Mommy is closing the door. Do not come out of your room. Take a rest.” 10 minutes later it was quiet and I went up to check on him and this is what I found.

I could have rocked him, laid with him, read 500 stories and probably not gotten him to sleep, but go figure, he could fall asleep perched on top of a laundry basket. I give up trying to understand toddlers. All I can do is love them to pieces. And somehow, once they are asleep (especially on top of a laundry basket), it’s easy to fall back in love.

8 Lessons You Need to Learn Before You Potty Train Your Toddler

Lesson 1

Carry around a child’s potty with you wherever you go. Going to the kitchen to get something? bring the potty. Going to your room to put away clothes? bring the potty. Do this for at least 2 weeks.

Lesson 2

You need to be ready for emergencies that occur nearly everytime you decide to risk going into public.

Practice by doing drills. Set your phone alarm to go off exactly 2 minutes after you enter a store- just long enough for you to get to the back- as far from the bathroom as possible.

When the timer goes off, pick up a 30 pound bag of salt and run like your hair is on fire to the front of the store. If you plan on having more than one child, then grab a pet ostrich by the collar and drag tem along as they stop along the way to look at toys. Don’t forget to bring your purse!

Lesson 3

Stock your pantry with an endless supply of chocolate chips and make sure to have plenty of stickers on hand. Every time you or your spouse poops or pees, make an announcement, ring a bell, eat a chocolate chip and put a sticker on a chart. Do this for a solid year.

Lesson 4

There is something about peeing on the potty that says, “even though I have the coordination of a baby pot belly pig, I can surely dress myself.”

Have someone blindfold you and tie your hands behind your back.Then pick out your clothes and get dressed. If someone tries to help you, throw yourself on the floor and scream. This is what it will be like dressing your toddler from now on.

Lesson 5

Carry 3 pairs of extra clothes with you wherever you go. If you ever forget, have your Aunt Sally call and scold you for your lack of parental responsibility. Then have a school teacher send you a letter of shame to your house.

Lesson 6

This newfound skill will breed a slight obsession about poop and pee. Prepare the grandmothers because they will be concerned that your children are twisted and that the potty talk will surely lead to pre-teen cursing. The best tactic is to just join in the fun. Hey kids, want to watch Doc McPoopins? Want a poop sandwich? Let’s sing the Itsy Bitsy ladybug pooped inside its pants.

Lesson 7

Go to Sams club and purchase ten 3 packs of hand soap and ten 12 packs of toilet paper. This will last you about a month. It takes about a half of a roll of toilet paper and 14 pumps of soap to get the job done each time a toddler uses the potty. Adjust your budget accordingly.

Lesson 8
Put a chicken in the bathtub and every time it poops, drain the bath, get out the bleach and start over. This could take while.

If you finish successfully, congratulations you are ready to potty train your toddler! But wait, after about 6 months, your toddler will digress and you will need to start back at the beginning and complete the exercise again. Caffeine and prayers help tremendously :)

11 Lessons to Learn Before you Have a Child

So, I did not write this, the author is unknown, but if you have not read this, it is a must read! Especially for moms of babies or soon to be moms. I first read this in the middle of the night while nursing Eli and nearly peed my pants trying to not wake him up with belly laughter. I made it through the nursing session and got him back down only to sit in bed at 2am and re-read it while laughing so hard I woke up Bobby. Tell me this is funny and it's not just my sick sense of humor.



Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Preschool is the new Highschool

There is a certain 3 year old at Charlotte's preschool that is snooty and acts like a true "mean girl". I know this sounds ridiculous- she is 3 years old! But, hear  me out. She wears a sparkly tutu every day, has the coolest clothes (do they even sell 3T at Justice?!) and is VERY selective with who she associates with, turning up her nose when Charlotte comes around acting as if she has cooties.

Every day, when I pick up Charlotte from school, I ask her how her day was and who she played with etc. Many days, she would say things like "Piper* wasn't nice today. She doesn't want to play with me."

On one particular day, I got in the carpool line and watched as she trotted out with her oversized minnie mouse backpack on holding her teacher's hand. I kissed her cheek and loaded her up. As I put the car in drive and started home, she plainly says "Piper* doesn't have Jesus in her heart!"

I said "Oh really? How do you know?" She said, "she isn't kind and she doesn't share. And I just know."

I couldn't help but laugh. Kids are so honest.

I also can't believe that this sort of competition and excluding others starts at 3 years old!

The amount of pain I feel when I see my most precious child feel any sort of rejection is incomprehensible. I am going to spending a lot of time in prayer as they grow up as to not run over any little girls in tutus with my SUV.

In all seriousness, we must be in constant prayer contending for our children's identity in Christ. I speak life and security over my children. One of my favorite scripture passages is Psalm 139. We are in the process of memorizing the entire passage together. Of all the things we could teach them, I want my children to know without a shadow of a doubt that they are fearfully and wonderfully made, despite what other little well-dressed 3 years olds say.



*Piper's name has been changed to protect her life

5 Things NOT to say to your stay-at-home wife when you come home from work

My husband usually works from home, but on days he has meetings all day, he will come back home looking sharp and put together and sometimes he walks into chaos with me still in my gym clothes. I try to keep things peaceful for his arrival, but it just doesn't always happen. Thankfully, he almost always meets me with grace and offers to lend a hand. Although he hasn't said many of the things below, this is just a good guide for men and what not to say to their stay at home moms. We can be kind of edgy sometimes so you'll want to commit this list to memory:

1. "So, what did you do all day?" We all know what I did all day. I did the dishes with a spider monkey on my leg, 3 loads of laundry, wiped 2 poopy tails, did the bills and called the doctor while breaking up toddler fights and making a grilled cheese. And everyone is still alive! The real questions is what did YOU do all day?

2. "My mother is stopping by for dinner tonight." Great! The house looks like a gorilla tore it apart and I was reheating leftovers for dinner and now I have 30 minutes to shove everything in a closet and whip up a gourmet meal.

3. "Holy Hippo!" This was actually said by Bobby once. He claims he meant something like "wow! you look great!" (sort of like Holy cow! you look great) but somehow Holy Hippo shut down the mood.

4. "Wanna do it?"Can you not see that I have a toddler on my hip, sweat on my brow from steaming broccoli and another child perched on the toilet screaming "wipe my booty pwease!"? I need you to help, I need you to hold me, I do not need you to hump me. You are hot. I love you to pieces, but please help meet my other needs first.

5. "I think we should hire a housekeeper." To me this says "you aren't doing a good job". I would love to have a housekeeper and we probably do need one, but just don't say it. I know that there is a black banana peel on the couch and 3 inches of shower scum in our shower, but just don't say it. Manipulate her into thinking it was her idea and then come to her rescue. Everyone will be happy and the house will be clean.

Is Jesus Happy?

This story happened about 6 months ago and you may have read my Facebook post about it back then, but it is stories like this that inspired this blog so I am going to expound.

Since my kids were old enough to talk, I have been telling them to "choose to be happy" when they were fussing. Of all of the things I can teach my littles, I want to instill in them that can choose how to act, respond and even feel despite other people's actions or our situation. So much pain and anguish in my life could have been avoided if I really understood how to control my emotions.

When one child starts pouting, I look at them eye to eye and talk them through it. First validating why they feel the way they feel and then asking them what they should do. Sometimes I even sing a little made up song "We get to choose peace, we get to choose joy. No matter what happens we can choose, choose, choose." It sounds totally made up but the kids jam to it like it's Michael Jackson's Beat It. If they refuse to choose to be happy, they are sent to their room until they can choose peace and joy.

Well, back to the story. We were waiting for the puppy shop to open so we could torture ourselves with little furry temptations. While we were waiting, I noticed a Catholic bookstore a few doors down. We went down there to burn the time thinking it would be somewhat similar to Lifeway. Upon entering, I was immediately nervous bc there were so many breakable statues and trinkets on glass shelves. The large statues on floor were as tall as the kids and as serious as a the Bachelorette rose ceremony.

Eli stared at the statues of Mary and Jesus and backed up a little, then I watched as he regained his courage and before I could say anything, he began to scold the statues "you need to choose to be happy!"

I looked around to see the stone cold cashier and turned back to the kids as Charlotte chimed in "yeah, choose peace, choose joy…."

I scurried those kids out of there before I upset all of the Catholic shoppers and when I got outside, couldn't help but laugh!

We always teach them that Jesus is happy! That is why we can choose joy! They didn't recognize a Jesus that wasn't approachable and happy. I pray I can have that kind of faith someday.

Irrational (yet totally reasonable) Reasons to Pregnant

As many of you know, we struggled with infertility for 4 years before getting preggo with our first, Charlotte (almost 4 yrs old). Then without even trying, we got pregnant naturally when she was only 6 months old. We are beyond thrilled with our little family, but we do often think of having a third. It changes from day to day, which can be really scary. One moment, I am blissfully watching my little angels sleep while daydreaming of a third little baby sleeping in the crib next door and the very next morning they are fussing at each other and licking week old syrup off the floor and I feel my womb closing inside of me. My husband can't keep up with me! One minute I am taking ovulation tests like a mad woman, the next day I won't let him touch me without protection. Pretty sure when he comes home from work and I look like I got run over by a Mack truck, he gathers that I am not up for procreating that evening.

It's a good thing God creates life and it is in His hands because some of the reasons I have wished I were pregnant are so ridiculous but I think you may be able to relate:

1. I've gained a few pounds- if I found out I was pregnant today, it would be because of that and not because I have been eating like a hog!

2. I just peed a little when I laughed- if only I had a good excuse!

3. I just saw a cute nursery idea on Pinterest!

4. I really want to order the cheese fries- man, I wish I was pregnant!

5. My friend is pregnant and I want to complain together. It would be such a bonding experience!

6. I'd really love 3 days to myself in a bed and going to the hospital is the only way it is going to happen!

7. We always have just enough leftover mac n cheese to fit in a baby sized bowl!

8. My friend is getting rid of some really trendy maternity clothes!

9. I am really sick of my period!

10. I picked out a really cute baby name and I want to use it before my sister does!

Sadly, these have all contributed to wanting to get pregnant on one day or another. Blame it on hormones or the crazy ups and downs of motherhood. Bottom line is, we would be overjoyed to have another and even on the toughest of days, once all 3 angels were sound asleep in their beds, I would miss them and be excited for the morning to kiss their sweet faces :)