The Faith of A Child

So today was the last day at Vacation Bible School as a crew leader. My job was basically shuffling 5 preschool age children from station to station, similar to attempting to teach 5 orangutans to walk in a straight line. By day #4, I gave up on the concept of a line and just transported the primates on my shoulders, on my legs and let them run wild. I just counted heads when we got to the next station and hoped for the best. Hey, it's a volunteer position!

Anyhow, yesterday at the end of the day, during our wrap up assembly, I was in my usual position- sitting on the floor with 2 children in my lap and one perching on my head, when the director began to talk about the grace of God. The point for the day was "even if you do something wrong, Jesus loves you!" So, each team was given a trash bag and we had to pretend to throw our mistakes in it and then we all put the bag on a large wooden cross at the front of the room. As I sat there on the floor with the kids, a worship song came on and a man in white dressed as Jesus began to walk from the back of the room down the aisle toward the cross. As he passed, he lovingly patted children's heads, hugged them and then reached down and touched my hand. Something about sitting on the floor with children all around seemed so much like how I picture Jesus. The gymnasium was loud and irreverent and kids were chaotic and sweaty, but it didn't matter. Jesus was just there to love and serve. He proceeded to the front and began removing the trash bags from the cross as my eyes filled with tears. Suddenly all of the noise was no longer a distraction. I was completely lost in the moment.

Charlotte shook my shoulders to get my attention and broke my stare with "MOM!" I turned to her and she said "It's Jesus! Can I hug him? Please?". "Of course!" I said and she ran to the front and jumped into his arms. It was as if she had been waiting her whole life, hearing story after story about him and he was finally here!

After the song was over and Jesus quietly made his way out of the room, Charlotte asked "Momma, where did Jesus go?"
She fully believes that she saw Jesus yesterday and I don't have the heart to tell her otherwise. Mostly because I believe I did too.

Toys are a LIE

Before I had children, I pictured them playing for hours with their little people castle or playing "house" quietly while I tidied up the entire house. What I didn't understand is that kids hardly ever play with toys and that a large part of my job in life would become entertaining little people with the attention span of a gnat. So, as in many areas, all things that seemed ridiculous before have kids, have now become totally rational.

I am volunteering this week at Vacation Bible School and I am the crew leader for a group of preschool age kids including my 2 kids (age 3.5 and 2.5years). Charlotte, my 3 year old is doing great, however it is a little over my 2 year old's head and so after exhausting all of the tricks in my bag- lacing cards, hot wheel car, snacks- I let him lick my arms and legs for a good 20 minutes. I got a full cat bath as others all around us sang praises to Jesus and it was totally worth it.

Here are some other things I may or may not have let my kids do in exchange for a minute or two or peace and quiet. Keep in mind I was fully aware all of the things below were taking place and said to myself "yes, that is a great idea, continue on dear one!":

1. Unroll an entire roll or two of toilet paper. If you haven't done this yet, it's totally worth it and a great place to start.

2. Give themselves a yogurt facial and hair massage with their leftover yogurt cup. Solid 10 minutes of entertainment.

3. Stick unused pantyliners all over their body. I got them for free couponing so who cares. I got to do the dishes.

4. Eat grass. Do you know how much I could get done if they ate the entire yard, blade by blade?

5. Eat toothpaste. Not sure what the fascination is with toothpaste and toothbrushes, but if you are having a hard day, just whip these out and let them go to town.

6. Play "hide from the monster" under covers. This one is just a good trick. Tell them you, the monster, is coming and growl and snort as they run for cover. Then clean the house and every 5 minutes or so, just walk by the room they are in (hiding under the covers) and snort as you go on your way. That will buy you another 5 minutes until the next snort.


These are just a few of the many examples and I know I can't be alone in this. What crazy things do you let your kids do to keep them occupied?

If you have not tried any of the above, maybe you could stand to loosen up. Heck, why not just make it a goal to complete the list before the end of the summer. Keep in mind that if your child tries to repeat any of these actions in the presence of a friend or family member without children, you may need to act surprised by his behavior as to not seem like a careless parent.

Roll Call

It's not a complete day in our house without having what I call "anatomy roll call". Something as small as an itch while watching Mickey Mouse or a joint bathtub can trigger it. After pulling and stretching on his pickle, Eli will announce:

Eli: I have a pickle. Daddy has a pickle.

Charlotte: Yeah and I have a peachy just like mommy.

Eli: I have wittle boobies. Daddy has wittle boobies.

Charlotte: Mommy
has BIG boobies.

This literally happens every. single. day.

Thanks to my 5th grade personality when it comes to body parts, I giggle every single time. Not sure when this phase ends. I sure hope my teenagers don't wake up and announce their new findings and then all chime in to go down the list. I have a hunch it might not be as cute. But for now, it's all peachy :) lol

You Must Never Wear Shoes While Peeing and other Shoe Rules of Toddlers

For those of you who are new parents or soon to be parents, this is a courtesy guide for you to help you navigate the unspoken shoe policies soon to be enforced in your home once your child reaches a toddler stage. If you hear a piercing scream or your child begins to bang their head on the nearest hard object, you may have violated one of the following and need to review this comprehensive list:

1. If a shoe is in the room, someone must wear it immediately. Even if you are cooking breakfast in your pajamas, if your stillettos from last night are in sight, your toddler will make sure you are wearing them before you have time to put the spatula down.

2. Boots go with anything in any season.  Not even worth the fight- just let them wear their winter wearer boots with their bathing suit.

3. If you purchase brand new shoes for a toddler, that triggers growth hormone in them and they will soon grow 2 sizes making those $25 shoes worthless.

4. In the event that growth hormone is NOT triggered, said toddler will make sure to lose just one of the shoes the first time you leave the house- making sure that you can stare at the brand new lonely shoe in their closet for months until you finally give up and toss it.

5. If there is a speck of sand in their shoe, they will feel it. It's like a princess and the pea thing.

6. Some shoes look better when you are naked. "Do these make my butt look good?"

7. You must never wear shoes while peeing. It is necessary to strip completely down including shoes to emit a half ounce of urine. And this must be done at least 10 times per day.


Anybody have any other shoe rules going on in your home?

Sitting on my Toadstool

So, last night I got up to use the bathroom. In usual courtesy, I didn't turn the light on as not to wake the sleeping prince in my bedroom. I stumble in delerium over to the throne and as i sit down, I immediately jump up and scream! I felt something slimy on my rear and to my disgust I flipped on the light to see the most hideous looking white frog sitting on the rim. I then performed the necessary "I just sat my bare buns on a frog" tribal dance as Bobby rushed to my rescue. The look on his face said "this had better be serious". And IT WAS thank you very much.

He then captured the intruder and put him out on the front porch. I went back to bed with my heart racing and disgusted. How do these shenanigans always happen to me? Then I realized I never went pee, so I cautiously retreated back to the toilet. As I sat there, I remembered this blog! How fantastic. On the first day I started a blog, this perfect story happened. I have never sat on a frog with my bare buns before and just 2 days ago, it would have all been for naught, but not now thanks to my shiny new blog, baby, I'm in business. If I were a true blogger, I would have snapped a pic before even pulling up my pants, but until then, stock photography exists.

Moral of the story, always always look before you squat. And, always scream loud enough to wake up your husband so he will have compassion on you and remove the disgusting toad.

Nonense Nannygoat

So, I feel compelled to start a blog about my life, motherhood, adventures in poop, the hippie antics of healthy living and mostly nonsense. Not sure why anyone would want to read about my nonsense, but I often find myself rushing to get the kids down for a nap, bringing my reheated stale coffee and 2 loads of laundry over to the couch to take a rest and really wanting to know that I am some shade of normal. That someone else goes through the chaos that I endure on a daily basis. And somehow reading other peoples motherhood nonsense helps me escape my own.

So, that is what I can promise from this blog. Normal nonsense. Possibly more nonsense than climbing a mountain and riding a nanny goat back down. After all, the days of a mother include breaking up fights about who touched the chair first, asking your child not to pick their brother's nose, explaining why you allow them to say booty but not butt, and singing a poopy song to your constipated daughter to help her go. It's all complete and utter nonsense that I call the most wonderful job on the earth. Even though it feels like I am being pecked to death by chickens.

Some days I may offer inspiration, tips and encouragement and other days I may simply vent and fuss. But (not butt! someone please explain this to my 3 year old!) I know even on the worst of days, I have other friends and moms that have been pecked to death and have ridden nonsense nannygoat and will go to bed, get up and choose to do it all over again.